A Lady for a Lonely Roo
by DrunkenTavern
Summary: Skipper notices that Joey and Marlene are spending an awful lot of time together. As usual, Skipper assumes the worst.
1. Chapter 1: Tea Begins with Marlene

**A Lady for a Lonely Roo by Soft-Kitty of the Drunken Tavern Juniors**

_Disclaimer: I SOOOOOOO do not own the Penguins of Madagascar._

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Chapter 1: Tea Begins with Marlene

The morning sun shone brightly in its heavenly cradle, bringing radiance to the numerous residents of the Central Park Zoo. A cool breeze passed over the Zoo, bringing equilibrium to the hot summer day. The breeze was appreciated by those already outside, as the Zoo started to bustle with activity; a typical summer day. It was the start of a fresh one as well, and most of the animals took their time with their morning rituals. In fact, it was the start of a new week, which meant they had no visitors to entertain. The Zoo was theirs for the day, and a little penguin named Private knew just how to spend it.

"Bye, Skippah! I'm off to have tea with Marlene." said the chubby penguin, his left foot already on the bottommost rung of the ladder.

"I really don't care Private." said Skipper, before lifting a cup of coffee to his beak and flipping the television on to the Channel 5 Morning News.

"Oh alright then." muttered the chubby penguin. "I'll be back soon."

The walk over to Marlene's was a chance for Private to mull over the subject of their next tea talk. With nothing but speculations in his mind, he arrived at Marlene's cave.

"Hello Marlene! I'm here." called Private as he strode in.

The chubby penguin looked around the habitat for his otter friend, but paused when she was nowhere to be seen. His beak forming a smile, he darted towards her bed, yelling "BOO!" as he pulled aside the sheets. There was no Marlene underneath the sheet, only a lumpy pillow.

"Oh, very clever Marlene!" he chuckled, replacing the sheets.

He tiptoed to her cabinet, silently grabbing the handles of the door, and pulled it open in a one swift move. "GOTCHA!"

He pushed aside Marlene's various costumes and personal items, expecting the otter to come out laughing from behind them. He was met with disappointment, as no one was inside except his upper half.

"Not here either, huh?" he said in mild frustration, reorganizing the things in the cabinet.

He studied the habitat for another minute, darting to and fro, until he inevitably accepted the fact that Marlene wasn't here. In fact, she hadn't even begun making the tea. Private exited the habitat worriedly, making his way home quickly.

"Back so early Private?" muttered Skipper as he saw the youngling descend. "What? Marlene gossip about you? Say something you didn't like? Honestly, I don't even know why you go over there. Women just never stop talking!"

"No, it's that Skippah." Private whispered hastily. "Marlene's not even home!"

"Maybe she's gone to gossip with those chimps waiting for the water to boil or something like that." his leader said with a roll of the eyes.

"No, she hasn't even begun making the tea!"

The commando's look of mirth shifted quickly to narrowed eyes of suspicion as he called Rico and Kowalski.

"Marlene is missing. I want this Zoo searched top to bottom. Commence Operation: Otter Hunt!"

The penguins spread all over the Zoo, doing a thorough search of each habitat and exhibit, until they finally rendezvoused at the Zoovenir Shop.

"Sorry Skipper, I couldn't find her." said Kowalski, jumping out of his belly slide.

"Nuh-huh!" grunted Rico, coming to a halt beside Kowalski.

"I did a double check, but I didn't see her." reported Private, joining his comrades.

"We checked everywhere in the Zoo!" muttered Skipper. "Well, except for the Joey's place."

"And why didn't you check it Skipper?" asked the intellectual.

"Are you kidding? That place is an absolute off-limits area; it's the most avoided spot in the Zoo! Right behind the Poison Dart Frog exhibit that is."

"For all we know Marlene might be there." suggested Private, with a nod from Kowalski.

"Marlene? In Joey's place? Seriously?" jeered the flat-headed leader, his eyebrow raised and his flippers on his waist.

"It's highly unlikely she'd be with Barry or out of the Zoo, which leaves the Kangaroo Habitat as our final guess before we declare her kidnapped." explained Kowalski.

"Alright! Fine! We search Joey's place, but I'm not laying a scaly foot in that whacko's turf!" relented Skipper with a groan of exasperation.

The quartet quickly made their way to the wall separating the Kangaroo Habitat from the rest of the Zoo. Just as they were about to leap onto the wall, they heard a high-pitched, girlish giggle coming from within.

"I've always wondered how Joey laughs, but _that_ was just downright disturbing!" whispered Kowalski with a shudder.

"Quiet!" hissed Skipper as he pressed the side of his face against the wall. "I can hear voices."

The others imitated their leader. They strained, and after a brief pause for their hearing to adjust they heard a faint voice.

"You are so funny Joey!" the voice said loudly, before erupting into a fit of giggles.

"Marlene!" the penguins whispered as one, before moving away from the wall.

"What's Marlene doing in the Kangaroo Habitat?" Skipper whispered in disbelief.

The others raised their shoulders in a shrug, just as perplexed as their leader.

"Stop that!" cried Marlene, her giggles escalating to a laugh.

"Is he … torturing her?" Skipper asked tentatively, his eyes squinting in discomfort as the otter's cackling grew louder.

"Since when does someone laugh when they're being tortured?" Kowalski asked, his brows knit in confusion.

"Meh!" protested Rico, thumping his chest proudly.

"No, he meant when they're the ones being tortured, not you doing the torturing." explained Private, pressing the side of his face against the wall.

"Ohhhhh! Ah dunnoh." said scarred bird with a shrug.

"Well, there was that one time with the laughing gas…" Kowalski said slowly, his flipper rubbing the bottom of his beak in contemplation.

"HELLO?" Skipper hissed. "Can we get back to 'What is Marlene doing in Joey's place?' before you continue thinking about killing someone with laughs?"

Before anyone else could speak, Private, frantically whispered "Marlene's coming!"

The other penguins started in surprise, as Skipper wordlessly signaled Rico. The maniac vomited a grandfather clock, and placed it quickly on the ground.

"That Joey … so hilarious." giggled Marlene as she leapt over the wall. She paused, eyeing the clock suspiciously. "What on earth?"

The penguins remained frozen in their respective positions, their bodies bent and angled behind the large clock, completely concealing them from the otter. She took a step towards the clock before shaking her head and sprinting in the direction of her habitat. Skipper gave a signal with his flipper. The penguins jumped out from behind their hiding place before proceeding to their own habitat.

"What in the name of sweet and sour smoked salmon was Marlene doing with that whacko?" mumbled Skipper as he paced the lair. "I need to find out why, but how?"

"Private, you should get a move on." Kowalski said sternly to the chubby penguin watching his leader pace. "Isn't Marlene expecting you for tea?"

Private turned to Kowalski, but before he got the first syllable out, he was interrupted by Skipper bellowing, "PERFECT!"

The commando made his way over to the youngling and grabbed him by the shoulders. "We can use Private!"

"Use me for what Skippah?" asked Private nervously as Skipper dragged him to the ladder.

"You're going undercover Private." whispered the commando as Kowalski and Rico watched them curiously. "Find out what Marlene was doing with Joey!"

"I doubt it's anything bad!" complained Private, rubbing his shoulders when Skipper released him. "I don't like spying."

"Actually Private, spying and going undercover share certain similarities, but there are differences." explained Kowalski, sparing the youngling from Skipper's angry retort. "Spying generally deals with gathering information discreetly without needing to interact with the target, such as reading their diaries when they aren't around or watching them go to the bathroom. What Skipper means by going undercover is that you remain in contact with the target while gathering information in a similarly subtle fashion, even adopting a sympathetic demeanor to earn their trust and eventually, their secrets."

"What he said." Skipper said after a long pause. "Wait, you watch others go to the bathroom?"

"I'm not proud of it." the scientist said emotionlessly, before turning to Private. "With your innocent personality, Marlene would not hesitate to confide in you."

"But – but how am I supposed to get the information out of her without making it look too obvious?" asked the youngling worriedly.

"Be like a detective!" Skipper groaned exasperatedly. "Ask something remotely related to what you want to know without alerting the suspect."

"But Marlene's our friend; I don't want to spy on her!" he protested, crossing his flippers on his chest.

Skipper grabbed his shoulders and pulled him until their beaks almost touched. All of Private's resolve melted away as his eyes met his leader's, ablaze with a vicious fury.

"You will go over there, have some tea with Marlene, and find out what she was doing in Joey's habitat." hissed Skipper so venomously that Private felt faint. "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

"Aye-aye sir!" whimpered Private before being thrown out the hatch.

He landed with a thud on the fake ice floe, shuddering in fear. He massaged his rump as he got up and stared at the top of Marlene's cave. He inhaled deeply and walked casually up to her habitat.

"Oh well, here goes nothing."


	2. Chapter 2: Tea with Private

**A Lady for a Lonely Roo by Soft-Kitty of the Drunken Tavern Juniors**

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Chapter 2: Tea with Private

Private gulped as he approached the entrance into Marlene's home, the mouth of the cave gapingly beckoning him in as if to devour the young penguin. Closing his eyes, he walked in slowly. He used his flippers to guide him as he walked through the tunnel. His heart pounded painfully against his chest, but relaxed as soon as the sharp aroma of tea assailed his nostrils. Inhaling deeply, he willed his eyes open, to see Marlene, her back towards him, bustling over a kettle. The otter sensed his presence, and turned around, a smile breaking over her face as her eyes fell upon him.

"Hi Private! Come on in." she said with a jerk of the head. "Tea's almost ready."

"Er…sorry I'm late Marlene." he began nervously. "We had …um…training."

"It's nothing Private." she said with a wave of her paw, before looking at him suspiciously. "Wait, it's a Sunday today, and you guys don't train on Sundays."

"We…are…umm…ah…training to …erm…stay unpredictable! That's right. We train on Sundays to stay unpredictable."

Private sighed, but inwardly he squirmed. He always felt queasy when lying; he just hoped that Marlene would buy it.

"Okay…" she said with narrowed eyebrows. "Effective, by the way."

She muttered to herself as she returned to the kettle, Private catching the words 'Skipper' and 'stupid', which were stressed in irritation. The penguin took a seat, pondering on the mission the aforementioned 'stupid penguin' gave him. He really didn't appreciate the thought of lying, especially to a friend; to him, that was just despicable. But Skipper made it clear that he had to find out what Marlene was doing in Joey's habitat, and he dared not disappoint Skipper.

"How was training Private?" said Marlene casually, but jumped back as the penguin yelled and karate-chopped his teacup.

"Private!" she said apprehensively, brushing off pieces of ceramic from her fur, before clutching onto the shrieking penguin worriedly. "Are you okay?"

The penguin stopped screaming, his chest heaving from his rapid panting. "What was the question again?"

"Are you okay?" she repeated, looking at Private with concern.

"Yeah I'm fine. Sorry about the teacup by the way." he whispered. "What about the other question?"

"How was training?" she said, scooping up the pieces of the teacup and throwing it in a nearby bin. "Is that the reason why you're so jumpy?"

"It might be." the penguin said, more of a question than an actual statement. "Some tea might be great right about now."

"Just relax Private… here." she said in a motherly manner, laying a new cup filled with tea before the bird. "Is Skipper pushing you too hard?"

"Truth be told, he is a little rough as of late." he muttered, remembering Skipper's vicious gaze as he forced him on this mission. "But it's nothing, really. Sorry again if I was late because of it. You know … the training."

"It's fine, I told you." she said, taking a sip from her cup. "Actually, I was kinda late myself."

"Oh?" Private said, lifting his own cup to his beak. "How come?"

"Well, don't tell anyone, but I was at Joey's." she whispered giddily.

"Wha…what were you duh…doing there?" stuttered Private, fiddling with his flippers.

"Private are you sure you're alright? You seem a little nervous…" she said, rising out of her seat.

"I'm not nervous. Who said I was nervous? No such thing as this nervous! Why? I'm not nervous! Are you nervous? Does this look nervous?" he said at warp-speed, now pointing at his twitching eye.

"Okaaaay…" she drawled, slowly lowering herself back down to her seat.

"Please continue." said Private, his eye still twitching.

"So I was over at Joey's and we were …" she started again, but paused when she caught Private curling up into a ball and shaking uncontrollably. "Private?"

"I'm listening … keep talking." he muttered, clutching at his insides which were queasy as ever. "I'm fine."

"Obviously you're not!" exclaimed Marlene as she rose from her chair, her heart beating in worry. "Okay, I'll get you a pillow so you can lie down for a while."

Private watched with twitching eyes as Marlene took one of the pillows from her bed and approach him. He was never one to be good at lying. Even when it came to telling the simplest of white lies, he felt sick on the inside. One of his flippers was wrapped around his stomach, while the other raised the teacup to his beak. His flipper was shaking so much that the warm contents of the cup splashed all over his chest, his beak drinking from an empty cup.

"Private, did Skipper or his training do this?" she asked with genuine concern etched into her words and face as she offered the pillow.

"Why? Are you writing a bloody book about it?" he said accusingly, jumping out his chair and advancing on Marlene.

"No. Now you really need to lie down; just stay calm and don't panic…"

"PANIC!" bellowed Private, his belly writhing like a bunch of irritated snakes as he took a step in the otter's direction. "I'M CALM! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT CALM? I'M NOT PANICKING! MAYBE YOU'RE THE ONE PANICKING! THIS … IS … ME … NOT … PANICKING!"

Marlene eyed Private with a mixture of apprehension and suspicion, the pillow she was once offering to the penguin now being clutched defensively in the form of a white, fluffy shield. The bird whimpered before letting out a shout of anguish.

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" he yelled, his eyes tearing up as he stomped to the cave entrance.

He couldn't take the queasiness any longer; he had to get away from all this lying. Skipper's wrath paled in comparison to what he was feeling as his insides squirmed in a sickening tempest. It was just a wimpier, more innocent and more twisted version of Skipper's gut instinct. He now understood why his leader trusted his gut wholeheartedly; even listening to it more than his brain. And here he was thinking Skipper was mad; maybe this is the same thing that happens to him when he doesn't listen to it.

"I'm so very sorry Marlene." he whimpered. "But please excuse me. I have to go …um…er…to the…I've got to powder my beak!"

The private left abruptly, leaving the otter stunned at his departure. Marlene watched her friend's shadow disappear, before her face twisted in an expression of absolute befuddlement.

"Private wears makeup?"

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Private clutched onto his queasy belly as he ran as fast as he could to his habitat. He took a moment to catch his breath by the hatch. He didn't know how to bring the news to Skipper. He had failed…miserably. Maybe he could run away, start a new life, pretend this never even happened. No, that was too foolish. It was far better to bring the news to Skipper instead, rather than risk his sanity on a mad quest to hide the truth from him which to Private was just another way to lie. Stifling a whimper of dread, he threw himself down the hole.

"Well, what did you learn?" Skipper said as the chubby penguin ran over to him.

"I'M SO SORRY SKIPPAH!" he cried, throwing himself at the leader. "I JUST COULDN'T DO IT!"

"Calm down Private." said Kowalski, grabbing Private by the flippers and pulling him away from Skipper.

The shortest of the penguins hyperventilated as the tallest of them set him down on a chair, and offered him his Lunacorn. The private grabbed onto the stuffed animal and hugged it so tightly its eyes, horn and tail were bulging up. After a few minutes, his heartbeat settled and the queasiness vanished, leaving Private slowly rocking himself in his chair.

"Well what happened?" Skipper demanded gruffly.

"I couldn't lie to Marlene." he muttered into his Lunacorn. "I just couldn't."

"Well why not?" Kowalski asked with concern.

"Because my gut cramps up when I do." whimpered the bird, stifling a sob and clutching on tighter to the stuffed animal.

"I get it." Skipper said, rolling his eyes. "It's just like gut, only girlier … and sissier…and just plain insulting."

"I can't help it Skippah. I can't lie to people, not since I heard my little cousin being cursed!"

"Curse? What was this curse?" the flat-headed leader said skeptically.

"'Liar, liar, pants on fire.'" whimpered Private as he shuddered into his Lunacorn.

"Now Private you do know that's inaccurate due to the fact that penguins do not wear pants, which are also not likely to spontaneously combust?" Kowalski explained as Rico belched up a pair of trousers and set it on fire. "Except for Rico."

"It's obvious that Private isn't trained for undercover work..." said Skipper as he blasted Rico with a fire extinguisher.

"But whatever happened to your innocent, non-assuming demeanor?" said Kowalski, addressing the penguin still shivering in his seat. "Surely Marlene would have fallen for that?"

"She did, at least until my belly threatened to explode."

"Rest easy now Private, there's no helping that gut instinct." said the commando reassuringly as he approached the youngling. "I'm sending someone else for this line of work."

"Thank you Skippah, but who are you sending?" said Private, before his leader turned to the intellectual beside him.

"Kowalski, show the Private how it's done."


	3. Chapter 3: Tea with Kowalski

**A Lady for a Lonely Roo by Soft-Kitty of the Drunken Tavern Juniors**

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Chapter 3: Tea with Kowalski

The intellectual stared at Skipper, dumfounded. "I beg your pardon?"

The commando crossed his flippers over his chest and looked back at him sternly. "Didn't you have training for undercover work?"

"Yes…yes you did train me…but-"

"Well then hop to it. You're taking Private's place in this mission."

Kowalski sighed audibly and left Private's side. "Right away Skipper. I'll go get ready."

The tall bird made his way to his laboratory, slamming the door shut behind him, while Private turned to Skipper. "Are you sure K'walski will be able to get the information Skippah?"

The commando's brow rose in contemplation. "I trained him myself Private, seen him work for me during mission like that raid in Tripoli and that monkey smuggling case in Darfur. He's a genius when it comes to words, I'll give him that; but if he's pressured, he'll crack faster than an egg under a falling tank."

"Did that happen during a mission Skippah?"

"Happened twice. The first time we were able to move in and save him before things went south; we interrogated his target, got the information anyway. The second time, we weren't so lucky; well, it wasn't really us, but Manfredi and Johnson. Poor fools got taken down by electrified lollipops and an exploding toilet."

The door burst open and the intellectual emerged with a box in his flippers. He casually made his way over to the trio and set the box before him.

"What's all that for K'walski?"

"I require an alibi convincing enough to gain entry into Marlene's habitat." he said as he extracted a pair of lab goggles and placed it on himself.

"Alibi?" asked a confused Private.

Kowalski dug through the box, his voice slightly muffled. "Excuse, reason, a deceivingly sincere front to earn her trust…and I'll need it, especially after our last encounter."

"That time she caught you reading her diary?" said Skipper with mirth. "Didn't she pulverize you with a math book?"

Kowalski's voice was stony. "I don't need reminding…and it was a physics book, mind you. Now I need to work on my alibi."

Private's stomach churned uncomfortably. "Alibi, huh? So…lying?"

"Affirmative. I shall explain to her that I comforted you, since you were suffering from withdrawal symptoms from a Peanut Butter Winky diet, therefore earning her sympathy for you, and indirectly, me." said Kowalski, surfacing from the box, a sharp knife held in his flipper. "I just need to make it convincing."

"I've never been on a Peanut Butter Winky diet!"

"It's a lie Private! I just need to make it look as if I comforted you."

"Comfort me?" said the chubby penguin, turning to Skipper for some sort of clue as to what was going on.

The commando met his gaze, and mouthed 'genius' before turning his attention back to the intellectual, who looked at him expectantly. Skipper nodded as he took a step back. Private looked back at Kowalski, but cried out in horror as the scientist decapitated the Lunacorn he was holding in one vicious slash with the knife. His flipper jumped to his beak as he watched the severed head fall to the ground, its body joining it shortly after. Private felt his heart stop beating as he stared into the lifeless eyes of his toy. His surroundings dimmed and all sensation fled his body, leaving him alone, and terrified. His vision was suddenly clouded by white feathers. He willed his lungs to breathe again, and realized that Kowalski had his flippers around him in a tight embrace.

"It's not working." said the strategist, pulling away from Private.

"Why…why did you do that?" croaked the youngling, gawking at Kowalski.

"Private, I need you to cry on me. That way, when I say I comforted you it would appear convincing enough to gain entry into Marlene's home."

The penguin blinked, dumbfounded. "What…how…Couldn't you just ask to come in?"

"Private, please don't embarrass yourself. Anyway, am I not the one who is trained here?" Kowalski said as he went back to the box, kicking the remains of the Lunacorn away. "You don't seem to be crying, so I'll have to try something else."

He dug through the container and withdrew a large box of Peanut Butter Winkies. The private's eyes widened in awe and delight as they fell upon the largest box of Winkies he ever had ever seen; all thoughts of mutilated Lunacorn momentarily forgotten. He felt drool slowly trickling out the side of his beak. "Peanut…Butter…Winkies?"

Kowalski held it before him, but before Private could lay a wingtip on it, he turned to the scarred penguin beside him. "Rico, if you would."

The psychopath nodded gleefully, taking the box out of Kowalski's flippers, much to Private's disappointment, and setting it on the floor. With a loud retch, he vomited a flamethrower and aimed it at the box of candies. Before the youngling could move, Rico set the box ablaze. The room was soon filled with the stench of burning sugar as the inferno consumed the treats. Rico released his grip from the trigger, the weapon belching out the last of the flames, while Skipper directed the fire extinguisher at the remains. Private's eyes glimmered as it reflected the light of the rapidly dying fire. Nothing was left of it but ash and foam.

"That didn't work either...it seems that I will have to try something a little more…drastic." said Kowalski as he scanned the stunned Private. The intellectual retreated to the container and emerged with a disc, its surface painted an electric blue, with a series of numbers along the edges.

"Kowalski…" said Skipper in horror. "That's not what I think it is…is it?"

"Oh but it is Skipper!" said the scientist with a manic glint in his eye as he held the disc up before him. "Behold! '_Old Beaky'_!"

"YOU'RE MAD!" exploded Skipper, backing away from Kowalski. "YOU'RE STARK RAVING MAD! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THE PRIVATE?"

"Er- '_Old Beaky_'?" piped up Private, raising his flipper in curiosity.

Kowalski turned to him, an ominous aura emanating from the scientist. Private shrunk as he met Kowalski's eyes, ablaze with a manic fervor.

Skipper pulled Rico behind him, staring at Kowalski with a mixture of awe, malice, and fear. "That Private, is the saddest movie ever made, and is to date the most nefarious plan of my long-time nemesis, Hans the Puffin. This abomination of a motion picture is the one reason we can never work together again. The entire movie review board died when they watched that film! Movie was so sad, they cried themselves to death. Who knows what would have happened if we allowed that to be released to the media."

Private looked from Kowalski to Skipper skeptically. "That's a little far-fetched now isn't it?"

The intellectual lowered the disc as he spoke. "It's true Private. We managed to intercept it just before it was released. We destroyed any and all data of this film, and we put everyone who worked on it on a remote island somewhere in the Pacific. Legend has it that it was so sad that even reading the movie description will leave you extremely dehydrated from crying! To this day, only one penguin has ever managed to watch it and live to tell the tale!"

Somehow, Private knew who that penguin was, and twisted his head so fast his neck hurt. "Skipper, you watched that movie?"

"I did Private, I did." said the leader in hushed tones. "Hans had me captured, and forced me to watch the movie as he was preparing to ship reels of it all over the world. I survived … by eating my chair! I puked out cushion stuffing and Spanish cedar months after that ordeal; and there is no way that I - or anybody else - is going to watch that ever again."

"I was only going to show him the opening credits to -" the scientist began, as Skipper's unsettling gaze focused on him.

Skipper pushed Private away as he thundered at Kowalski. "I SAID NO WAY!"

"Fine, we'll try the onions." said Kowalski with a roll of the eyes, throwing the disc back into the box.

He extracted a rather large onion out of the box and chopped it in half with the knife, holding the pieces up to Private's eyes. "Come on Private! Cry! Cry like you've never cried before."

The youngling felt himself get slammed onto the back of the chair as Kowalski pressed him down. His beak wiggled irritably as the fumes rose to his nostrils, burning them painfully. The scientist gave a cry of exasperation, placing the onion halves as close as he possibly could to Private's eyes. The penguin sniffled, his eyes brimming with tears that refused to flow. It seemed that the dams preventing the tears from escaping would hold, but the barrier shattered as soon as Rico regurgitated a violin and played it expertly; his flippers moving gracefully as the instrument produced a beautiful but melancholic melody. The dam broke, and big, fat tears quickly ran down Private's face. Kowalski discarded the onions and pulled Private closer to him, the youngling resting his head against the scientist's chest.

Private felt Kowalski slowly petting his back. "Remember the Lunacorn…and the Winkies."

Tears turned into unbridled sobs as the memories renewed themselves, with Rico's descant washing over him, a musical tide of pure sorrow. He silently wondered how the maniac was able to play the violin, even more so like a talented genius. The last notes of the song echoed in his earholes, just as the last of the tears fell.

"Perfect!" yelled Kowalski, backing away from Private so rapidly the penguin became unbalanced and fell to the floor. "Ah yes, the unmistakable scent of embitterment, the sorrows of false hope and shattered dreams will be substantial enough to grant me passage to Marlene's inner sanctum!"

"Stow the poetry and get to work Kowalski." said Skipper, helping Private to his feet.

The strategist nodded and walked over to the box, extracting a strange device and a radio from it. He placed the small device at the bottom of his right flipper, and secured it with tape, before handing the radio to the leader. "I shall Skipper, but for the purposes of educating Private on the finer points of undercover work, I've attached this radio to my flipper, which will record everything Marlene says. It will transmit it to that radio."

Skipper nodded in approval as the intellectual turned the device on. Once the device was confirmed operational, Kowalski set off with all due haste to Marlene's habitat.

* * *

Marlene dashed to the entrance of her home as she caught the overly familiar shadow of a tall bird momentarily distorting the gentle sunlight streaming in.

The scientist's face beamed up in a casual smile as he strode in. "Hello Marlene!"

"Oh, it's you." she grumbled as the tall bird appeared before her. "If you're looking to read my diary, you're too late. I burned it out of pure embarrassment."

Kowalski frowned before crossing his flippers across his chest defensively. "It wasn't so much reading as looking at all the pictures."

"Yeah, looking! That's what you're really good at." she spat venomously.

"Marlene, I assure you that that time with you on the toilet - "

"Shut up Kowalski!" the otter hissed fiercely, looking from left to right to see if anyone was listening in. "No one needs to know about that!"

"If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't enjoying myself! It was all for science."

"Yeah, sure it was!" she said with a roll of the eyes.

Marlene was still generally unwelcoming, but her form softened. "What do you want Kowalski?"

The intellectual straightened his posture so as to meet Marlene's gaze before he spoke. "I've come to apologize for Private's behavior earlier. He is experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the Peanut Butter Winky diet Skipper is enforcing."

Marlene rubbed her chin as she spoke to herself. "Well, Private's known to have those Winky episodes." She then sniffed Kowalski before taking a step back. "Whoa, diet must be harsh on the little guy. You've been comforting him, haven't you?"

The scientist's brows rose, a calculated response to the expected question. "I was. How did you know?"

"I smell something very teary, y'know, like Private teary." She placed her paws on her waist as she looked over her shoulder, before turning to Kowalski with a small smile on her face. "I was having tea with Private, but seeing as how that turned out, would you like to come in? The tea is still warm."

Kowalski's heart leapt at his success, but he kept his face neutral. "I'd be delighted to."

"Great! Make yourself comfortable."

A habitat away, the three penguins listened to their conversation, with the youngest of them staring at the radio in awe and disbelief. "Wow! It sounds so real even I couldn't tell if he was lying or not!"

"Kowalski's a professional Private." said Skipper with a touch of pride. "Perfect voice tone, facial expressions, posture; the whole enchilada taught to him by yours truly."

Private struggled to appease the quivering of his lower abdomen; apparently it was equally discomforting if someone else was lying. "That's really amazing Skippah!"

"Of course it's amazing! It is _me_ after all. Now shush; Kowalski's settled in."

The three penguins drew slightly closer to the radio on the chair. They could hear formalities being exchanged between the two as the distinctive clinking of china and low slurping of tea brought a smooth and comfortable ambience, which was the perfect environment for the penguin's plan.

"So…what've you been up to Kowalski?"

The scientist waved his teacup casually as he spoke, adjusting his position in the chair so that only his left flipper holding the teacup would be visible. "Oh, simply the usual experimentation, analysis, options. To summarize...nothing. What about you?"

"Same old, same old."

Kowalski narrowed his eyes as she took a gulp of tea. "Really? Well, I have been considering an experiment that involves the kangaroo, Joey, but his reputation for – er – breaking things makes me reluctant to do so. Perhaps he would be less disturbed by your presence, hmm?"

The scientist stifled a jump as Marlene eyed him with what he thought was suspicion, before her gaze drifted off. "Experiment, huh?"

The four penguins grew tense at the current situation, and then jumped back in surprise as Marlene burst out in laughter. The birds were caught off guard by her reaction, but none more so than the one sitting across her. It took a full minute for her laughter to subside, during which Kowalski remained fixed in his seat.

"Aw, how can I stay mad at you?" she giggled, lightly touching Kowalski's flipper with her paw. Her eyes then met his, which were still wide open.

"Oh Kowalski, it must have been luck that brought you back to me." she said gleefully, her luminous gaze falling on the bird, staring at her fearfully, which she mistook for confusion. "Would you mind if I use _you_ as a test subject for one of _my_ experiments?"

Kowalski felt a heavy weight on his chest. Only then did it occur to him that he had been holding his breath while Marlene was laughing. He exhaled quickly and reminded himself that he was still undercover. He tried to speak but clamped his beak shut as a hoarse croak exited. He cleared his throat loudly and took deep breaths until he was sure that he could speak comprehensibly.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Well, I was looking through a few of my photo albums of when I was a pup, and then I thought of how my mother always cheered me up when I was sad, y'know, before she died. She said that I was very ticklish, 'specially under my arms. So I was wondering if birds are also ticklish there, which is kinda what I want to experiment with you."

Kowalski shifted in his seat as he met Marlene's eyes. His beak opened for a 'sure, why not?', but all that came out was a splutter of shock as he felt the radio brush up against his back. The radio! If Marlene discovers the radio, then his successful attempt to regain her trust earlier would have been for naught, and it might even make things worse between them.

He stuttered as his eyes twitched awkwardly. "Oh, I'm sorry Marlene I can't. I mean, I appreciate your venture into science, I truly do, but I - uh - I can't help you right now."

Her bright smile transformed into a confused frown as her paw left his flipper. "Well, why not?"

"It's because I – I have a – have a rash. That's it, I have big infectious rash under my flipper and you wouldn't want to touch that would you?"

"You don't have a rash! You're one of the cleanest birds I know, right?" Marlene said amusingly. "And if somehow you got it, don't your feathers molt around the area of the rash? But you look perfectly fine!"

In the penguin habitat, Skipper leapt up from his position by the radio while Private drew closer to it. "Wow, Marlene sure is smart."

"Dahmn!" Rico concurred, awed at the otter's display of intelligence.

"And that isn't good news now Private." exclaimed Skipper as he heard Kowalski stuttering desperately. "Jackson's flapjacks, he's panicking!"

Marlene lifted herself out of her chair as she approached the scientist. "No, you don't have a rash! Are you just saying that because you don't want to get tickled?"

"Yes…no…yes…maybe…no!"

Marlene giggled as the penguin eyed the exit nervously. "Oh come on! Admit it, you're just ticklish and you don't want anyone else to know!"

"No, no. It's not that. It's-it's-it's-"

"C'mon Kowalski! Learn to laugh once in a while!" she said as she aimed to press her paws down on the intellectual's exposed left side.

Kowalski lifted his left flipper up to hold Marlene's paws at bay as he worked to conceal his right side and the radio underneath his other flipper. "No! No! No, don't do that! I warn you: I-I-I have extreme body odor!"

The otter giggled as she tried to break Kowalski's single-flipper defense. "No, you don't! You're clean, and you still smell like Private, and that little fella' always smells like candy!"

Back in the penguin headquarters, Private smiled at the comment but started as Rico started sniffing him.

"Mmmh!" hummed Rico in delight as he rested his beak against Private, enjoying the sugary smell. The youngling chuckled silently as he wrapped his flippers around Rico before he returned his attention to the radio.

"Gotcha!" Marlene exclaimed as one of her paws rushed past Kowalski's left flipper and landed on his left side. The scientist gasped in shock, which bought her enough time to slip her other paw in. Once both paws were buried in his feathers, she moved them in a quick scratching motion across Kowalski's side.

"No-ho-ho! Sto-ha-ha-hap that! It's not fuh-fuh-fuhny! Ahahaha! Gee-hee-hee!"

"Kowalski down." said Skipper as he slammed his flipper on his forehead.

"See Kowalski?" said Marlene, starting to giggle herself. "You can laugh, and it sounds so good too!"

"No-no-ho-ho-no!" the scientist squirmed beneath the otter, his mind distorting into a full-blown panic as Marlene's paw started to inch to his right side. He had to get out of here!

He forced himself to ignore the tickles as he used his left flipper to bat Marlene's paws away with as much force as he could muster, knocking the otter away before he raced out of her habitat. "MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Marlene stared at the cave entrance in utter confusion with a hint of disappointment. She picked herself up and brushed the dirt off her fur. "And here I was thinking Kowalski couldn't get any weirder."

* * *

Skipper groaned as his lieutenant thundered down the hatch, coming to a halt before him. A fraction of a second later, Kowalski burst into tears.

"Rico." Private whispered, his eyes firmly locked on the sobbing Kowalski while the maniac lifted his head off of the youngling's shoulder with a 'hmph?'. "You remember when Kowalski asked us if someone laughs while they're being tortured?"

A second passed before he understood. "Owhyah! Ahaheehee!"

"I'm so sorry Skipper!" cried Kowalski as he slowly recovered from his sobbing.

"I know Kowalski. We all heard what happened."

The leader bent down to him before ripping the radio attached to his flipper in one brutal pull, causing him to howl in pain as he cradled his now semi-featherless right flipper. Skipper sighed before tossing it, tape, feathers and all, to the psychopath laughing beside Private.

"Looks like you're up Rico."


End file.
